My Wave...
Posted by Catherine Rousseau on Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Imagine a wave - hovering over you for your whole live, holding in it everything you've done, all the things you've wished you've done, everything that has happened to you, and everything you have pushed into the darkness of your subconscious. Imagine the wave, day after day, dripping fragments of those moments and thoughts down your neck, never letting you forget, or let go of the things that have made you you.
I have met my wave. And although, we don't know each other well enough to be able to understand each other completely, I have come to identify some of the major elements which float in the ocean above me. My environment, my displacement, my education, art and companions are with me (if not always in reality) in my mind and wave. In that wave, I see people: family, role models, old and new friends, and old and new loves. In my wave, I see memories: childhood experiences, moments of complete freedom, moments of complete joy - but I the unhappy memories, memories that haunt me day after day. I see my wave, and ask it to not hover too close, but my wave just bends on down, so that I may feel the force of each memory and each moment it holds. I see all that I've done, and how each moment, lead to another (which my wave felt so obligated to retain for me).
However much I see each moment rising and falling in the depths of my wave, it is not the identification of these elements that catch me off guard. Everything in my wave I have experienced before, I have seen before and touched before. No, it is the objects of the wave that effect me, but rather how I deal with them. As each object floats above me, and carelessly drips down my head and neck, I find myself needing to relive, revive, or deal with these moments.
Sometimes I hate my wave. Sometimes it hurts so deeply to have memories come back and fall over me - memories that I have kept dry and cozy in the shadows of my mind. Sometimes I love my wave. Sometimes my wave will show me my past with a light that I have never considered. My wave drives me I guess. I suppose all of the unpleasantness and the dearest moments of myself that my wave holds for me carries me to a new place, a new moment and a new self. Reliving the past is not always a dangerous thing if you can learn to calmly listen and observe.
As I sit here, and consider my wave, I believe that it has only the best intentions for me. I may not always like experiencing what it loves to bring to me, but it teaches me where I came from. Only when I can fully appreciate that can I learn where I will go, and where my wave might carry me if I let it.
I have met my wave. And although, we don't know each other well enough to be able to understand each other completely, I have come to identify some of the major elements which float in the ocean above me. My environment, my displacement, my education, art and companions are with me (if not always in reality) in my mind and wave. In that wave, I see people: family, role models, old and new friends, and old and new loves. In my wave, I see memories: childhood experiences, moments of complete freedom, moments of complete joy - but I the unhappy memories, memories that haunt me day after day. I see my wave, and ask it to not hover too close, but my wave just bends on down, so that I may feel the force of each memory and each moment it holds. I see all that I've done, and how each moment, lead to another (which my wave felt so obligated to retain for me).
However much I see each moment rising and falling in the depths of my wave, it is not the identification of these elements that catch me off guard. Everything in my wave I have experienced before, I have seen before and touched before. No, it is the objects of the wave that effect me, but rather how I deal with them. As each object floats above me, and carelessly drips down my head and neck, I find myself needing to relive, revive, or deal with these moments.
Sometimes I hate my wave. Sometimes it hurts so deeply to have memories come back and fall over me - memories that I have kept dry and cozy in the shadows of my mind. Sometimes I love my wave. Sometimes my wave will show me my past with a light that I have never considered. My wave drives me I guess. I suppose all of the unpleasantness and the dearest moments of myself that my wave holds for me carries me to a new place, a new moment and a new self. Reliving the past is not always a dangerous thing if you can learn to calmly listen and observe.
As I sit here, and consider my wave, I believe that it has only the best intentions for me. I may not always like experiencing what it loves to bring to me, but it teaches me where I came from. Only when I can fully appreciate that can I learn where I will go, and where my wave might carry me if I let it.